Having effective boundaries is important for our sense of security and respect. But, how do we go about setting boundaries?
There are three stages to effective boundary setting:-
1. Defining the boundary
- What is the issue, area of concern, circumstance?
- What do you need to achieve?
- Boundaries work best when they are clear and specific.
- Boundaries respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. Look for win-win outcomes.
2. Setting the boundary and communicating it
- Use “I” statements. Start everything you say with “I”. I think, I believe, I feel, I would like etc.
- Being open and honest.
- Listening and respecting the other person.
- Staying calm and focused on the task of setting the boundary
- Asking for what you want – not demanding or avoiding asking.
- Agreeing to the terms of the boundary – when it will start, when you will review it and the consequences of the breach of the boundary.
3. Keeping the boundary
This is done by:
- Observing if the boundary is being kept.
- Acknowledging that it is being kept or if it is broken.
- Responding appropriately if it is broken.
What if a boundary is broken?
If a boundary is broken you need to respond quickly, appropriately and assertively.
However, it is really important to consider your response and to take time to consider everything rather then reacting from feelings of frustration and anger. For example: –
I believe our agreed boundary regarding ……………………….. has been broken.
I feel ……………………………… about this.
We need to discuss this.
Be consistent and remember, you can ask for what you want, say no to what you don’t want and invite them to do the same.
